viajacque

I’m 28, but I feel like I’m 30 already. Is this bad?

I mean, of course when I was 10 years younger I couldn’t picture my 30-year-old self. Not because I was afraid of a number tho, but because it seemed so far away (it really was) and there was no point of thinking about a twelve-year-older version of me, when I had no idea who the present version of me was.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think people my age who are afraid of turning thirty are just now starting to question themselves about things that I’ve been wondering since as long as I can remember.

I’m an over-thinker, a very creative one to be honest. I’m constantly questioning myself the most diverse and intense issues about my (and everyone else’s) existence. These thoughts that usually come to mind when you’re close to hitting the 3 decades of awesomeness, I’ve probably had them multiple times already.

I’ve asked myself all the what ifs at this point. I’ve thought about all the could’ve beens possible. I’ve relived every single important decision that I’ve made until today and wondered how my life would’ve been, had I made a different choice.

As an over-thinker, I can guarantee you this: what’s gone and what’s going to be, neither of them matter. Although in my case, they did help me accept where I am and that was crucial for me in the learning of who I am.

Am I where I thought I would be when I was younger? Probably not, but younger me had such an unrealistic view of life, that I don’t feel like I have to apologize for not meeting her expectations.

Am I happy with what I’ve accomplished? I mean, I don’t want to get too philosophical about this question, but isn’t happiness really just a state of mind? I have happy moments, do they count for me to say I’m happy? I do think that I could’ve done more, but I’ve come to realize that not being one hundred percent satisfied with myself is part of who I am and it’s also what motivates me to keep on persuading new takes on life.

Am I looking forward to turning 30? No. If I said yes, that would mean I’m not expecting anything from the next two years and I am. Although I’m more of a go-with-the-flow person and haven’t set any personal goals yet, I wouldn’t want to skip over whatever is waiting for me in this final chapter of my twenties.

If you’re in your thirties and you’re reading this thinking: “patience young grasshopper, you’ll soon find out what all the fuss is about”, I have to tell you another thing about me, that I’ve realized over time: being wrong doesn’t bother me, specially when I can learn something from it.

So maybe you’re right, I don’t doubt you. In fact, I’m excited to find out. Meanwhile, I’ll keep on doing what I do best: questioning myself.

Right now, I’m not sure how I feel about turning 40.